Mornings are hard. I think it's because I wake up and think that all of this was just a nightmare. Im still pregnant and everything is ok. But then i see the baby blanket laying next to me and I realize that this is all real. It's been almost 4 weeks since Ben was born/died and it still feels like it happened last night. When my husband is home I'm better. But it's when he's at work that is when I feel so empty and lost. I still can't get over the fact that Im not pregnant anymore. Sometimes I catch myself rubbing my stomach like i did when i was pregnant.
Chris and I are going to Las Vegas on Wednesday. We really need to get away so I think this trip will be good for us. I am nervous though. It is supposed to rain with alittle snow mixed in. I hate flying so it makes it worse. I am scared b/c i feel like if this could happen to us what else can go wrong. But i will go b/c i know we need this.
It took me a long time to realize this was my life, that I wasnt on the outside looking in. I remember the exact moment when I woke up and realized this wasnt a nightmare... That my children had died. It was a horrific. My husband says he still remembers the godawful sound that came out of my throat, and that it broke him to pieces that all he could do was hold me as I sobbed on the floor. Even now, years later, the ache is so real, the hurt so raw...
ReplyDeleteSending you loving thoughts...
So, so sorry for the loss of your sweet Benjamin. The hurt is so deep. I too, remember thinking how surreal it was. That our baby boy was gone. This wasn't supposed to happen to us... I remember thinking how it hurt to wake up... sleep felt better. That was the only time I wasn't in pain.
ReplyDeleteTime does not heal... but it does makes things just a little more manageable... so sorry.
Strength to you.
I am so sorry for your loss. I would love to send you a handkerchief for your tears. If you have a chance to send me your full name & address I will get that in the mail to you. I will prayer for your comfort and strength. I hope that you will have a nice time in Vegas.
ReplyDeletedpucci9972@gmail.com