Friday, January 22, 2010

A letter to my son.

Dear Ben,

I miss you everyday of my life. Make that every second of my life. You were with me for every second of 19 weeks. I feel empty without you. I feel lost without you. I know you are with me but I want you here physically. I want to hold you again. I want to feel you move. I just don't know how to move on without you. Mommy is trying. Mommy misses you so much. Daddy misses you too. We got a dog to try to help up but that didn't work out well. I know you were with me the other day. I asked your for strength going to see everyone i work with and you gave it to me. I love you so much. I wish you were here with me still. I just miss you so much.

Love you forever

Tuesday, January 12, 2010


Sorry I haven't posted in a while. It's been a rough few weeks.
For one thing I have started therapy with a therapist who specializes in infertility and loss of a baby or child. I went to her last thursday and really liked it. I have very complicated grief and we are going to work through it.
Today we went down to NYC Columbia hospital to meet with a specialist for when we have our next baby. He thinks that I suffered from a true incompetent cervix and that next time I have a cerclage placed at 14 weeks. He was very nice and has 40 years experience. The only sad part is that he doesn't deliver babies anymore he consults. So he recommened me to a ic specialist there. I just wish that I had gone to them when i was pregnant with Ben. Maybe he would still be with me. I miss him so much.
I would have been in my 3rd trimester by now. His room would have been done. The color would have been Mickey Mouse Blue. I was going for the disney paint. He would have had a teddy bear sports theme in his room. I would have started buying him clothes and diapers. I would have been registered by now. All of these "would haves" and now im left with nothing. What did I end up buying him -an urn for his ashes, a few christmas ornaments, a necklace with his name on it. It just doesn't seem enough. I miss him so much.

Friday, January 1, 2010

Happy New Year???

I didn't think today would be so hard. But I think that it's hard for me because I had always said that after the holidays were over my pregnancy would go quick and then I would be at my due date before I knew it. Now here I am looking forward to a due date with no baby. I have nothing to look forward too except the fear of trying again. I'm so scarred that it will happen I don't know how people have the courage to do it over and over. We conceived Ben through ivf and it was our first cycle we ever did. He was our miracle and for him to be taken away so soon is just so unfair.
We have decided to wait until July to try again. We conceived Ben in July so im alittle nervous about doing it again in July. If we do get pregnant again the due date would be april and that was when Ben was suppsoed to be born so i don't want this new baby to be a replacement baby. But July is the best time for me since Im a kindergarten teacher and im not working.
Please tell me how all of you that are reading it found the courage and strength to try again after a terrible tragedy.