Friday, January 1, 2010

Happy New Year???

I didn't think today would be so hard. But I think that it's hard for me because I had always said that after the holidays were over my pregnancy would go quick and then I would be at my due date before I knew it. Now here I am looking forward to a due date with no baby. I have nothing to look forward too except the fear of trying again. I'm so scarred that it will happen I don't know how people have the courage to do it over and over. We conceived Ben through ivf and it was our first cycle we ever did. He was our miracle and for him to be taken away so soon is just so unfair.
We have decided to wait until July to try again. We conceived Ben in July so im alittle nervous about doing it again in July. If we do get pregnant again the due date would be april and that was when Ben was suppsoed to be born so i don't want this new baby to be a replacement baby. But July is the best time for me since Im a kindergarten teacher and im not working.
Please tell me how all of you that are reading it found the courage and strength to try again after a terrible tragedy.


  1. It is so unfair that your Ben isn't with you now.

    I don't know if it's courage or time or a deep need to hold a living child. But I can't imagine NOT trying and I won't give up trying for fear of something that might not happen again.

    I think waiting till July is a good idea. Maybe even august for a different timeline?

    What ever happens I wish you a peaceful year.


  2. Hey Laura,

    I really don't know where I found the courage... all I knew was that I couldn't NOT try. When we conceived again after losing Nicholas we were overwhelmed, terrified, extremely paranoid but also so very hopeful. Nicholas surely carried me through my pregnancy with Madison... and now she is here, safe and sound. It's still hard. There are so many contradictory emotions.. I think there will always be.

    Sending you strength and hope... xo

  3. I honestly dont know how you find the courage. For us, we just... I dont know. We loved our children so much. Having them and losing them just cemented that fact. We wanted to give them brothers and sisters, and that was what helped us face the fear of trying again, risking losing again, and surviving the losses that did happen after.