Update

Sorry I haven't posted in a while. It's been a rough few weeks.
For one thing I have started therapy with a therapist who specializes in infertility and loss of a baby or child. I went to her last thursday and really liked it. I have very complicated grief and we are going to work through it.
Today we went down to NYC Columbia hospital to meet with a specialist for when we have our next baby. He thinks that I suffered from a true incompetent cervix and that next time I have a cerclage placed at 14 weeks. He was very nice and has 40 years experience. The only sad part is that he doesn't deliver babies anymore he consults. So he recommened me to a ic specialist there. I just wish that I had gone to them when i was pregnant with Ben. Maybe he would still be with me. I miss him so much.
I would have been in my 3rd trimester by now. His room would have been done. The color would have been Mickey Mouse Blue. I was going for the disney paint. He would have had a teddy bear sports theme in his room. I would have started buying him clothes and diapers. I would have been registered by now. All of these "would haves" and now im left with nothing. What did I end up buying him -an urn for his ashes, a few christmas ornaments, a necklace with his name on it. It just doesn't seem enough. I miss him so much.