Wednesday, December 30, 2009


IM SO MAD!! I picked up my medical records today from my obgyn's office. There were 3 letters from the radiologist office tellling my doctor that i might have a bicornate uterus and a low lying placenta and I never heard about it until I was admitted to the hospital. 3 LETTERS!!! And guess what the most common problem with a bicornate uterus is incomptent cervix. Not only that but on the 1st letter they said my cervix was 4 cm in length. The 2nd letter it was 3 cm. So my cervix was shortening with a possible bicornate uterus and no one did anything!!!

What do you all think need feedback on this one. Need opinions!!

Saturday, December 26, 2009


Sorry i haven't written in a week but as you can imagine it's been a very stressful week.
Christmas just wasn't the same. Normally, we go to my cousin's house for Christmas eve and then I have everyone to my house on Christmas day. But this year I had no interest in Christmas. We went to my parents Christmas Eve and then went to my brother in laws for Christmas day dinner. I drank a lot of wine there. But it didn't take away that ache is have. I miss Ben so much. I have a constant ache in my chest b/c i miss him. I want him here with me. It's just not fair!!

We went to a memorial candle lighting a week before Christmas. It was beautiful. It was held at Good Samaritan Hospital by the support group we belong to there. It was really nice to honor my son and all the other babies. We didn't have a service for Ben so we considered this to be our service to honor him. Nothing breaks your heart more then to see your husband crying over his son. There was a man there who lost his daughter and he wrote the most beautiful songs for her and he sang both of them. I wish he had a cd. Speaking of music Steven Curtis Chapman is a religious singer and I saw him on Oprah recently and he lost his adopted daughter in a tragic accident and he wrote the most beautiful songs about grieving and losing a child. One song that i love is called Just Have to Wait. Im going to try to see if i can add it to my playlist. But def check itunes and listen to it.

Thursday, December 17, 2009

Our new normal

A new friend of mine who is also an angel mom sent this to me on facebook. I loved it and thought i would share it with all of you.


Wednesday, September 2, 2009 at 3:45pm
Normal is having tears behind every smile when you realize someone important is missing from all the important events in you're family' life.
Normal for me is trying to decide what to take to the cemetery for birthdays, Christmas, Thanksgiving, New Years, Valentines day, July 4th and Easter.
Normal is feeling like you know how to act and are more comfortable with a funeral than a wedding or birthday party.....yet feeling a stab of pain in your heart when you smell the flowers and see the casket.
Normal is feeling you can't sit another minute without getting up and screaming because you just don't like to sit through anything.
Normal is not sleeping very well because a thousand what ifs and why didn't I? go through your head constantly.
Normal is reliving that day continuously through your eyes and mind, holding your head to make it go away.
Normal is having the t.v. on the minute I walk into the house, because the silencing is deafening.

Normal is staring at every baby who looks like he is my baby's age. And then thinking of the age he would be now and not being able to imagine it. Then wondering why it is even important to imagine it, because it will never happen.
Normal is every happy event in my life always being backed up with sadness lurking close behind, because of the hole in my heart.
Normal is telling the story of your child's death as if it were an everyday, commonplace activity and then seeing the horror in someones eyes at how awful it sounds and yet realizing it has become a part of my "normal".
Normal is each year coming up with the difficult task of how to honor your child's memory and his birthday and survive these days, and trying to find the balloon of flag that fits the occasion. Happy birthday? Not really.
Normal is my heart warming and yet sinking at the sight of something special my baby loved. Thinking how he would love it, but how he is not here to enjoy it.
Normal is having some people afraid to mention my baby.
Normal is making sure that others remember him.
Normal is after the funeral is over everyone else goes on with their lives, but we continue to grieve our loss forever.
Normal is weeks, months and years after the initial shock, the grieving gets worse, not better.
Normal is not listening to people compare anything to this loss, unless they too have lost a chile NOTHING, even if your child is in the remotest part of the Earth away from you - it doesn't compare. Losing a parent is horrible, but having to bury your own child is unnatural.
Normal is realizing I do cry everyday.
Normal is disliking jokes about death or funerals, bodies being referred to as cadavers, when you know they were once someones loved one.
Normal is being impatient with everything and everyone, but someone striken with grief over the loss of your child.
Normal is sitting at the computer crying, sharing how you feel with chat buddies who have also lost a child.Normal is feeling a common bond with friends on the computer in England, Australia, Canada, the Netherlands, and all over the USA, but yet never having met any of them face to face.
Normal is a new friendship with another grieving mother, talking and crying together over our children and our new lives.Normal is not listening to people make excuses for God, "God may have done this because......" I love God. I know my baby is up in Heaven, but hearing people trying to think up excuses as to why healthy babies were taken from this Earth is not appreciated and makes no sense to this grieving mother.
Normal is avoiding McDonalds and Burger King playgrounds because of small, happy children that break your heart when you see them.
Normal is asking God why he took you child's life instead of yours and asking if there even is a God.
Normal is knowing I will never get over this loss, in a day or a million years.And last of all, Normal is hiding all the things that have become "normal" for you to feel, so that everyone around you will think that you are "normal".This "normal" is torture.I find this poem describes how I feel perfectly. I hope that it shows people that they are not alone in how they are feeling.

Monday, December 14, 2009

Thank you to Lea for creating this for me. I will treasure them forever.

This is the beautiful urn that Ben's ashes are in.

Angel baby

This is another ornament I bought. On the wings it says "Always believe."
In case anyone is interested I bought this at target.

This is the ornament we had made for Ben.


So this morning one of the doctors from my obgyn called to see how I was. This is from the office that i feel failed Ben and I. I think they are calling to feel me out becuase they know they messed up. First of all I had been going to them for about 10 years so they knew my background. PCOS, and insulin resistence. So in September I went from my ivf doctor to them b/c everything was going well. At that 10 week appointment the obgyn tells me that she feels im hypertensive but i didn't agree with her on that b/c i had my blood test done over the summer. She just accepted that answer and told me to come back in 4 weeks. I had my first bleed from the hemtoma that week. As my doctor who has gone to med school and knows more about blood pressure and it's effect on pregnancy and with my other preexsisting conditions shouldn't she have said no i need to treat this or at least say come back in a few days and we will check it. But no she did nothing!. Then at my 4 week appointment i saw another doctor in that office and she said i needed blood pressure meds right away. But I had to go see my primary doctor b/c they couldn't monitor me. WHAT? I should have questioned that right away. I went to my primary doctor and she put me on meds and had me come in about every 2 weeks. So i went on bp meds then had another hematoma bleed. Went to the obgyn's office and they said i had a hemtoma and that everything was ok though. She actually said my chance of miscarriage with minimal. I didn't need bedrest. I did my own bedrest. Went back to work after a few days and had another bleed. Went to the office saw a different doctor asked about bedrest. He said I didn't need it. He checked me did an u/s and said everything was good. Went back 2 weeks later for u/s to see if the hematoma was going down. I was told it had gone down. Then at 18 week told my cervix had dilated and everything started.
So today when he called to see how i was he said that people with hematoma's acutally have a higher risk of miscarriage. THANKS FOR TELLING THAT TO ME NOW!! I COULD HAVE USED THAT INFORMATION ABOUT 3 MONTHS AGO!!!!

Needless to say im not going there anymore. I will now be going to a maternal fetal specialist.

Thursday, December 10, 2009

Grief counselors and presents

So yesterday I went to a grief counselor at a local hospice. She was the ruddest person I have ever met. Right from the beginning when she said that oh 19 weeks isn't that far along I should have known. I tried to tell her about my feelings but then she interupted me with paperwork. Then i filled out the paperwork and checked off all my feelings. All she did was talk about her friend and her daughter in law. She talked about grief in very abstract terms. Then told me that she doesn't have a support group for me b/c the parents at the child loss group wouldn't accept me b/c i didn't actually lose a living child. Then she asked me about my sleeplessness and told me she thinks im the type of person who blows things out of proportion b/c my sleeplessness has only been for a few days. WHAT!!! This woman who has a ph d (at least it says so on her card) allowed her own feelings and beliefs get in the way of her job counseling me. I had to defend my son b/c in her mind he was just a fetus. I just don't understand her. thank god I did not pay for it b/c if i had i would demand my money back. So i just tried to get out of there as quickly as possible.

My sister was so angry by this woman's behavior she called the director and complained. The director was appalued by what my sister told her and that she was going to speak with her.

A little after this happened the woman from my support group called me. She runs it and she was very helpful to me. She understands what it's like to lose a child. She said i could call her anytime. I feel alot better talking to her that that horrible woman.

Today is a good day so far. I went to target and bought somethings. I bought a stocking for Ben. it was a red stocking and it had a B on the front. I also bought some ornaments for my tree. Really the only reason we are doing a tree this year is b/c we bought ornaments for Ben and want to hang them on it. I think every year I will buy an ornament for Benjamin. I would have done that anyway. This year I have bought 5 so far. We are going to a memorial candle lighting on Sunday and they will be selling ornaments so im sure i will be getting more. I also decided that this year my husband and I will buy fun stuff for each other for x-mas. I bought him the Tony Hawk skateboard game thing for him for Wii. I still have to do some more x-mas shopping for our nephews.

One thing that is really hard is walking past the baby sections at stores. I have no problem with seeing pregnant women or babies but baby sections at stores are just a constant reminder of all the things i wanted to buy Ben and can't know. Especially clothes. I think that's why im going a little crazy with ornaments b/c it's like well what else can I buy him.

Tuesday, December 8, 2009

Breakdowns and Doctors

So we are not going to Vegas anymore. After creating this blog and posting I had a complete meltdown. I became obsessed with the weather reports. I sat at the computer competely terrified to get on the plane on Wednesday morning. Terrified to even drive to the airport. I sat at the computer checking and double checking the weather report. I called my husband and completly broke down. I became so hysterical that he said he was coming home from work. I told him not to cancel the trip b/c I felt so guilty b/c i know how much he was looking forward to it. But he said he was coming home. Then i called my mother at work and lost it again. She left work also to come to me. I sat in the kitchen chair crying hysterically and just rocking back and forth saying i didn't want to go. Then my mother came to my house and i just sobbed and sobbed. Then my husband came home and i thought he was going to throw up. He looked so worried and sick about me. All i could do was cry. My mother called the grief counselor for me and I am going tomorrow. My husband cancelled our trip. As soon as he did I was relieved. I felt this tremendous weight and doom had been lifted from me. We lost $500 though. After all this happened I layed in bed just saying how sorry i was to my husband b/c I felt/feel so guilty that we cancelled the trip.
My mother told me that the grief counselor said this is all part of the greiving process. I had thought i was doing okay but i guess im not. I guess i was still in shock and maybe yesterday the shock finally wore off. I was always afraid to fly but have always been able to push through the fear but yesterday I couldn't. Even now when i think about getting on the plane my stomach tightens up. The grief counselor said that my whole sense of security has been ripped out from under me and that these fears are natural part of grieving. I don't think my husband gets that. The girl from my support group said she did the same thing when they went away.

Today I feel a little better though. Even though i can't sleep. I feel relieved. Maybe having a breakdown is what i needed.

On another note saw the doctor today and she said everything looks good. I have to get the reproductive endo to figure out my hormones. Im looking for 1 reason why this happened and she can't give it to me. She said it was a number of things. The hematoma I had was a sign that things weren't right and she said something in my hormones. I have PCOS so my hormones are screwed up. But she seemed optomistic and she is a doll. I am going for a 2nd opinion next month. I live about 40 mins from NYC and some of the best doctors in the world. So why not. My doctor said to me something i have been feeling since this happened she said "i feel like you were given something and then it was taken away." I told her that's exactly how i was feeling. I said why did i even get pregnant if it was just going to be taken away. But I realized on the way home that i was happy i got pregnant and i was happy i had my son. I don't know why this happened but i know for sure next time IT WON'T HAPPEN!!! Now they are not dealing with a pregnant lady they are dealing with an ANGRY MOTHER and that is a whole lot worse.

Monday, December 7, 2009

Mornings and Vegas

Mornings are hard. I think it's because I wake up and think that all of this was just a nightmare. Im still pregnant and everything is ok. But then i see the baby blanket laying next to me and I realize that this is all real. It's been almost 4 weeks since Ben was born/died and it still feels like it happened last night. When my husband is home I'm better. But it's when he's at work that is when I feel so empty and lost. I still can't get over the fact that Im not pregnant anymore. Sometimes I catch myself rubbing my stomach like i did when i was pregnant.

Chris and I are going to Las Vegas on Wednesday. We really need to get away so I think this trip will be good for us. I am nervous though. It is supposed to rain with alittle snow mixed in. I hate flying so it makes it worse. I am scared b/c i feel like if this could happen to us what else can go wrong. But i will go b/c i know we need this.

Sonogram pics of Ben at 16 weeks.

Sunday, December 6, 2009


Things I will never get to do

I will never get to hold you again.
I will never get to buy you clothes
I will never get to paint your nursery blue.
I will never get to buy the furniture i had picked out for your room.
I will never see you smile
I will never hear you cry.
I will never change your diaper.
I will never get to wake up in the middle of the night to feed you.
I will never get to fed you.
I will never see you crawl.
I will never see you take your first steps.
I will never hear you laugh
I will never see you go to school.
I will never feel you inside of me kicking me.
I will never hear you say mommy or daddy.
I will never get to give you a bath and rub lotion on you.
I will never be able to cuddle with you again.

I am so sad for all the thing we will never be able to do Ben. I miss you every second of my life. I miss you so much. I wish we had had more time together.


I am aching to hold Ben one more time. I sleep with his baby blanket from the hospital b/c then it feels like im holding him. I miss him so much it hurts. Sometimes it hurts so much and i miss him so much i can't breathe.

My story

I can't believe this has happened. On November 11th at 19 week pregnant my life was turned upside down. I was diagnosed with an incompetent cervix. I was rushed to the hospital, checked, stuck with needles had 10 doctors exam me. All to pretty much tell me the worst news ever. I had a 50/50 chance. I layed with my head down and feet up. I endured an amnio to tell me what I already knew, that my baby was normal and that no one could figure out why this was happening. After a few days in the hospital I was told that I could go home on bedrest. Then on November 17th, the worst happened my water broke. I felt the gush and I was home by myself. I never felt so panicked in my entire life. I just stood there not knowing what to do or who to call. I even contemplated calling 911. I called my husband who was at work and at least 30 mins away. He called my father who lives down the street and he came and took me to the hospital. When I got to the hospital I went into the bathroom and passed huge clots. I freaked out b/c i thought the baby had passed through me but the nurse assured me it was just clots. I got into the bed and cried. They did an u/s and the baby was fine heartbeating, but no fluid surrounded the baby. I was told that the risk for infection was high and that since i had started to bleed the process had already begun. So they told me they would give me medicine to speed the process. At 12:30am they gave me that medicine, I was hysterical. I said to my stomach how sorry i was that this was happening to us. I knew the baby's heart was still beating but I knew that when i gave birth he wouldn't be able to survive. The doctor had to calm me down. At 2:45 after 2 pushes I delieverd my most precious and beautiful gift I was ever given my son Benjamin.

When my water broke and they told me i would have to deliver i told them i didn't want to see him or hold him. The doctor told me to wait until i gave birth to decide that. As soon as i gave birth I needed to hold him and see him. I am so glad i got that expereince. Holding him was the best thing i ever did. I had my husband hold him, my parents and sisters.

At 8:30 pm my husband and I decided it was time for us to let Ben go. So we said our goodbyes to our little boy we kissed him and held him and told him that we love him so much and we would forever love him and remember him. At 10pm we went home. I chose to go home b/c they wanted to put me in a room in maternity next to the nursery. NO WAY!

We had Ben cremeted and he is now home with us. I bought him a beautiful angel urn and I feel so much better knowing he is home with us.

So that's my story of how i lost my son. I decided to create this blog after reading many blogs of other angel mom's who have lost children. I figured it was a good way of getting out my feelings and maybe healing.