Tuesday, December 8, 2009

Breakdowns and Doctors

So we are not going to Vegas anymore. After creating this blog and posting I had a complete meltdown. I became obsessed with the weather reports. I sat at the computer competely terrified to get on the plane on Wednesday morning. Terrified to even drive to the airport. I sat at the computer checking and double checking the weather report. I called my husband and completly broke down. I became so hysterical that he said he was coming home from work. I told him not to cancel the trip b/c I felt so guilty b/c i know how much he was looking forward to it. But he said he was coming home. Then i called my mother at work and lost it again. She left work also to come to me. I sat in the kitchen chair crying hysterically and just rocking back and forth saying i didn't want to go. Then my mother came to my house and i just sobbed and sobbed. Then my husband came home and i thought he was going to throw up. He looked so worried and sick about me. All i could do was cry. My mother called the grief counselor for me and I am going tomorrow. My husband cancelled our trip. As soon as he did I was relieved. I felt this tremendous weight and doom had been lifted from me. We lost $500 though. After all this happened I layed in bed just saying how sorry i was to my husband b/c I felt/feel so guilty that we cancelled the trip.
My mother told me that the grief counselor said this is all part of the greiving process. I had thought i was doing okay but i guess im not. I guess i was still in shock and maybe yesterday the shock finally wore off. I was always afraid to fly but have always been able to push through the fear but yesterday I couldn't. Even now when i think about getting on the plane my stomach tightens up. The grief counselor said that my whole sense of security has been ripped out from under me and that these fears are natural part of grieving. I don't think my husband gets that. The girl from my support group said she did the same thing when they went away.

Today I feel a little better though. Even though i can't sleep. I feel relieved. Maybe having a breakdown is what i needed.

On another note saw the doctor today and she said everything looks good. I have to get the reproductive endo to figure out my hormones. Im looking for 1 reason why this happened and she can't give it to me. She said it was a number of things. The hematoma I had was a sign that things weren't right and she said something in my hormones. I have PCOS so my hormones are screwed up. But she seemed optomistic and she is a doll. I am going for a 2nd opinion next month. I live about 40 mins from NYC and some of the best doctors in the world. So why not. My doctor said to me something i have been feeling since this happened she said "i feel like you were given something and then it was taken away." I told her that's exactly how i was feeling. I said why did i even get pregnant if it was just going to be taken away. But I realized on the way home that i was happy i got pregnant and i was happy i had my son. I don't know why this happened but i know for sure next time IT WON'T HAPPEN!!! Now they are not dealing with a pregnant lady they are dealing with an ANGRY MOTHER and that is a whole lot worse.


  1. i remember being so lost after our twins died. i couldnt even breathe most days. When i gor pregnant again, i kept telling myself that lightening couldnt possibly strike twice. when it did and we lost our son, i thought i wouldnt survive. i just kept telling myself that i was happy for the moments we had. thst i wouldnt trade them for anything in the world. it allowed me a way to find some joy even in my pain.

  2. I know that you do not know me, but I ran across your blog via my friends blog. I can't imagine the heartache you are going thru. I cried reading your blog & my heart aches for you. I'm sending {{{HUGS}}} your way & pray that God will help you thru this. God Bless & take care.