Sunday, December 6, 2009

My story

I can't believe this has happened. On November 11th at 19 week pregnant my life was turned upside down. I was diagnosed with an incompetent cervix. I was rushed to the hospital, checked, stuck with needles had 10 doctors exam me. All to pretty much tell me the worst news ever. I had a 50/50 chance. I layed with my head down and feet up. I endured an amnio to tell me what I already knew, that my baby was normal and that no one could figure out why this was happening. After a few days in the hospital I was told that I could go home on bedrest. Then on November 17th, the worst happened my water broke. I felt the gush and I was home by myself. I never felt so panicked in my entire life. I just stood there not knowing what to do or who to call. I even contemplated calling 911. I called my husband who was at work and at least 30 mins away. He called my father who lives down the street and he came and took me to the hospital. When I got to the hospital I went into the bathroom and passed huge clots. I freaked out b/c i thought the baby had passed through me but the nurse assured me it was just clots. I got into the bed and cried. They did an u/s and the baby was fine heartbeating, but no fluid surrounded the baby. I was told that the risk for infection was high and that since i had started to bleed the process had already begun. So they told me they would give me medicine to speed the process. At 12:30am they gave me that medicine, I was hysterical. I said to my stomach how sorry i was that this was happening to us. I knew the baby's heart was still beating but I knew that when i gave birth he wouldn't be able to survive. The doctor had to calm me down. At 2:45 after 2 pushes I delieverd my most precious and beautiful gift I was ever given my son Benjamin.

When my water broke and they told me i would have to deliver i told them i didn't want to see him or hold him. The doctor told me to wait until i gave birth to decide that. As soon as i gave birth I needed to hold him and see him. I am so glad i got that expereince. Holding him was the best thing i ever did. I had my husband hold him, my parents and sisters.

At 8:30 pm my husband and I decided it was time for us to let Ben go. So we said our goodbyes to our little boy we kissed him and held him and told him that we love him so much and we would forever love him and remember him. At 10pm we went home. I chose to go home b/c they wanted to put me in a room in maternity next to the nursery. NO WAY!

We had Ben cremeted and he is now home with us. I bought him a beautiful angel urn and I feel so much better knowing he is home with us.

So that's my story of how i lost my son. I decided to create this blog after reading many blogs of other angel mom's who have lost children. I figured it was a good way of getting out my feelings and maybe healing.


  1. Laura,

    I am so sorry to read your story of your precious Ben. I wish that he was here with you.

    My daughter Alice Buttons was born and died at 20 weeks. I know how devastating this is. I wish neither of us did.


  2. Hi Laura,

    I am so sorry that your precious Ben isn't still inside your belly. I am so sorry that you find yourself in this community. But we are all here with you and for you.

    I went into labour and delivered my son George at 20 weeks.


  3. Laura, I am so very sorry. Please accept my condolences on losing your precious Ben. That moment you described saying goodbye to your precious baby brought me to tears. That for us was the worst moment of our life. This pain is indescribable. I hope you find some hope & healing here with these amazing women on Blogger. They have been my lifeline.

  4. Your story reminds me a lot of Alexander's birth. I knew I had IC due to prematurely delivering (and losing) our twins, Nicholas and Sophia, but reading your story brought tears to my eyes, reminding me especially of Alexander's delivery.

    I am so glad you were able to hold Benjamin and love on him after he was born. I hold onto the memories of holding my babies so dear.

  5. I am so so sorry for your loss. This is a hard, dark road, and I'm so very sorry your on it now with us :(