Wow can't believe that it's been a whole year and I haven't really written anything. So much has happened and changed. It's been a struggle. I go through so many emotions during the day. Im happy and then next minute im sad and feel so depressed. Therapy has been good. Over the summer we did an ivf cycle...our first since with lost Benjamin. It didn't take. When I found out the news it was like losing Ben all over again. For months I was hopeless. then i put all my energy and grief into working out and I think that I was just running from it...literally. Well it caught up with me and ive been back in my depression. Then November 21st rolled around..the day we lost Ben and it was a hard day. We didn't really do anything special. We just stayed home. After that day i felt that a weight had been lifted off my shoulders and that i could exhale...a little. Then last sunday was the candle lighting at the hospital and last year i sat there and sobbed. But this year I got up and spoke. I gave a nice speech and people actually came up to me and said that my speech was really good and everything that I said they have felt.
In this year my life has changed, in this year I have become someone else. I am still trying to figure out who this new person is. I still miss my son every second of my day and ache for him. I don't think that ache will ever go away. I have just learned to live with it.