Dear Ben,
I miss you everyday of my life. Make that every second of my life. You were with me for every second of 19 weeks. I feel empty without you. I feel lost without you. I know you are with me but I want you here physically. I want to hold you again. I want to feel you move. I just don't know how to move on without you. Mommy is trying. Mommy misses you so much. Daddy misses you too. We got a dog to try to help up but that didn't work out well. I know you were with me the other day. I asked your for strength going to see everyone i work with and you gave it to me. I love you so much. I wish you were here with me still. I just miss you so much.
Love you forever
Mommy
Friday, January 22, 2010
Tuesday, January 12, 2010
Update
Sorry I haven't posted in a while. It's been a rough few weeks.
For one thing I have started therapy with a therapist who specializes in infertility and loss of a baby or child. I went to her last thursday and really liked it. I have very complicated grief and we are going to work through it.
Today we went down to NYC Columbia hospital to meet with a specialist for when we have our next baby. He thinks that I suffered from a true incompetent cervix and that next time I have a cerclage placed at 14 weeks. He was very nice and has 40 years experience. The only sad part is that he doesn't deliver babies anymore he consults. So he recommened me to a ic specialist there. I just wish that I had gone to them when i was pregnant with Ben. Maybe he would still be with me. I miss him so much.
I would have been in my 3rd trimester by now. His room would have been done. The color would have been Mickey Mouse Blue. I was going for the disney paint. He would have had a teddy bear sports theme in his room. I would have started buying him clothes and diapers. I would have been registered by now. All of these "would haves" and now im left with nothing. What did I end up buying him -an urn for his ashes, a few christmas ornaments, a necklace with his name on it. It just doesn't seem enough. I miss him so much.
For one thing I have started therapy with a therapist who specializes in infertility and loss of a baby or child. I went to her last thursday and really liked it. I have very complicated grief and we are going to work through it.
Today we went down to NYC Columbia hospital to meet with a specialist for when we have our next baby. He thinks that I suffered from a true incompetent cervix and that next time I have a cerclage placed at 14 weeks. He was very nice and has 40 years experience. The only sad part is that he doesn't deliver babies anymore he consults. So he recommened me to a ic specialist there. I just wish that I had gone to them when i was pregnant with Ben. Maybe he would still be with me. I miss him so much.
I would have been in my 3rd trimester by now. His room would have been done. The color would have been Mickey Mouse Blue. I was going for the disney paint. He would have had a teddy bear sports theme in his room. I would have started buying him clothes and diapers. I would have been registered by now. All of these "would haves" and now im left with nothing. What did I end up buying him -an urn for his ashes, a few christmas ornaments, a necklace with his name on it. It just doesn't seem enough. I miss him so much.
Friday, January 1, 2010
Happy New Year???
I didn't think today would be so hard. But I think that it's hard for me because I had always said that after the holidays were over my pregnancy would go quick and then I would be at my due date before I knew it. Now here I am looking forward to a due date with no baby. I have nothing to look forward too except the fear of trying again. I'm so scarred that it will happen I don't know how people have the courage to do it over and over. We conceived Ben through ivf and it was our first cycle we ever did. He was our miracle and for him to be taken away so soon is just so unfair.
We have decided to wait until July to try again. We conceived Ben in July so im alittle nervous about doing it again in July. If we do get pregnant again the due date would be april and that was when Ben was suppsoed to be born so i don't want this new baby to be a replacement baby. But July is the best time for me since Im a kindergarten teacher and im not working.
Please tell me how all of you that are reading it found the courage and strength to try again after a terrible tragedy.
We have decided to wait until July to try again. We conceived Ben in July so im alittle nervous about doing it again in July. If we do get pregnant again the due date would be april and that was when Ben was suppsoed to be born so i don't want this new baby to be a replacement baby. But July is the best time for me since Im a kindergarten teacher and im not working.
Please tell me how all of you that are reading it found the courage and strength to try again after a terrible tragedy.
Wednesday, December 30, 2009
IM SO MAD!
IM SO MAD!! I picked up my medical records today from my obgyn's office. There were 3 letters from the radiologist office tellling my doctor that i might have a bicornate uterus and a low lying placenta and I never heard about it until I was admitted to the hospital. 3 LETTERS!!! And guess what the most common problem with a bicornate uterus is incomptent cervix. Not only that but on the 1st letter they said my cervix was 4 cm in length. The 2nd letter it was 3 cm. So my cervix was shortening with a possible bicornate uterus and no one did anything!!!
What do you all think need feedback on this one. Need opinions!!
What do you all think need feedback on this one. Need opinions!!
Saturday, December 26, 2009
Christmas
Sorry i haven't written in a week but as you can imagine it's been a very stressful week.
Christmas just wasn't the same. Normally, we go to my cousin's house for Christmas eve and then I have everyone to my house on Christmas day. But this year I had no interest in Christmas. We went to my parents Christmas Eve and then went to my brother in laws for Christmas day dinner. I drank a lot of wine there. But it didn't take away that ache is have. I miss Ben so much. I have a constant ache in my chest b/c i miss him. I want him here with me. It's just not fair!!
We went to a memorial candle lighting a week before Christmas. It was beautiful. It was held at Good Samaritan Hospital by the support group we belong to there. It was really nice to honor my son and all the other babies. We didn't have a service for Ben so we considered this to be our service to honor him. Nothing breaks your heart more then to see your husband crying over his son. There was a man there who lost his daughter and he wrote the most beautiful songs for her and he sang both of them. I wish he had a cd. Speaking of music Steven Curtis Chapman is a religious singer and I saw him on Oprah recently and he lost his adopted daughter in a tragic accident and he wrote the most beautiful songs about grieving and losing a child. One song that i love is called Just Have to Wait. Im going to try to see if i can add it to my playlist. But def check itunes and listen to it.
Christmas just wasn't the same. Normally, we go to my cousin's house for Christmas eve and then I have everyone to my house on Christmas day. But this year I had no interest in Christmas. We went to my parents Christmas Eve and then went to my brother in laws for Christmas day dinner. I drank a lot of wine there. But it didn't take away that ache is have. I miss Ben so much. I have a constant ache in my chest b/c i miss him. I want him here with me. It's just not fair!!
We went to a memorial candle lighting a week before Christmas. It was beautiful. It was held at Good Samaritan Hospital by the support group we belong to there. It was really nice to honor my son and all the other babies. We didn't have a service for Ben so we considered this to be our service to honor him. Nothing breaks your heart more then to see your husband crying over his son. There was a man there who lost his daughter and he wrote the most beautiful songs for her and he sang both of them. I wish he had a cd. Speaking of music Steven Curtis Chapman is a religious singer and I saw him on Oprah recently and he lost his adopted daughter in a tragic accident and he wrote the most beautiful songs about grieving and losing a child. One song that i love is called Just Have to Wait. Im going to try to see if i can add it to my playlist. But def check itunes and listen to it.
Thursday, December 17, 2009
Our new normal
A new friend of mine who is also an angel mom sent this to me on facebook. I loved it and thought i would share it with all of you.
Normal
Share
Wednesday, September 2, 2009 at 3:45pm
Normal is having tears behind every smile when you realize someone important is missing from all the important events in you're family' life.
Normal for me is trying to decide what to take to the cemetery for birthdays, Christmas, Thanksgiving, New Years, Valentines day, July 4th and Easter.
Normal is feeling like you know how to act and are more comfortable with a funeral than a wedding or birthday party.....yet feeling a stab of pain in your heart when you smell the flowers and see the casket.
Normal is feeling you can't sit another minute without getting up and screaming because you just don't like to sit through anything.
Normal is not sleeping very well because a thousand what ifs and why didn't I? go through your head constantly.
Normal is reliving that day continuously through your eyes and mind, holding your head to make it go away.
Normal is having the t.v. on the minute I walk into the house, because the silencing is deafening.
Normal is staring at every baby who looks like he is my baby's age. And then thinking of the age he would be now and not being able to imagine it. Then wondering why it is even important to imagine it, because it will never happen.
Normal is every happy event in my life always being backed up with sadness lurking close behind, because of the hole in my heart.
Normal is telling the story of your child's death as if it were an everyday, commonplace activity and then seeing the horror in someones eyes at how awful it sounds and yet realizing it has become a part of my "normal".
Normal is each year coming up with the difficult task of how to honor your child's memory and his birthday and survive these days, and trying to find the balloon of flag that fits the occasion. Happy birthday? Not really.
Normal is my heart warming and yet sinking at the sight of something special my baby loved. Thinking how he would love it, but how he is not here to enjoy it.
Normal is having some people afraid to mention my baby.
Normal is making sure that others remember him.
Normal is after the funeral is over everyone else goes on with their lives, but we continue to grieve our loss forever.
Normal is weeks, months and years after the initial shock, the grieving gets worse, not better.
Normal is not listening to people compare anything to this loss, unless they too have lost a chile NOTHING, even if your child is in the remotest part of the Earth away from you - it doesn't compare. Losing a parent is horrible, but having to bury your own child is unnatural.
Normal is realizing I do cry everyday.
Normal is disliking jokes about death or funerals, bodies being referred to as cadavers, when you know they were once someones loved one.
Normal is being impatient with everything and everyone, but someone striken with grief over the loss of your child.
Normal is sitting at the computer crying, sharing how you feel with chat buddies who have also lost a child.Normal is feeling a common bond with friends on the computer in England, Australia, Canada, the Netherlands, and all over the USA, but yet never having met any of them face to face.
Normal is a new friendship with another grieving mother, talking and crying together over our children and our new lives.Normal is not listening to people make excuses for God, "God may have done this because......" I love God. I know my baby is up in Heaven, but hearing people trying to think up excuses as to why healthy babies were taken from this Earth is not appreciated and makes no sense to this grieving mother.
Normal is avoiding McDonalds and Burger King playgrounds because of small, happy children that break your heart when you see them.
Normal is asking God why he took you child's life instead of yours and asking if there even is a God.
Normal is knowing I will never get over this loss, in a day or a million years.And last of all, Normal is hiding all the things that have become "normal" for you to feel, so that everyone around you will think that you are "normal".This "normal" is torture.I find this poem describes how I feel perfectly. I hope that it shows people that they are not alone in how they are feeling.
Normal
Share
Wednesday, September 2, 2009 at 3:45pm
Normal is having tears behind every smile when you realize someone important is missing from all the important events in you're family' life.
Normal for me is trying to decide what to take to the cemetery for birthdays, Christmas, Thanksgiving, New Years, Valentines day, July 4th and Easter.
Normal is feeling like you know how to act and are more comfortable with a funeral than a wedding or birthday party.....yet feeling a stab of pain in your heart when you smell the flowers and see the casket.
Normal is feeling you can't sit another minute without getting up and screaming because you just don't like to sit through anything.
Normal is not sleeping very well because a thousand what ifs and why didn't I? go through your head constantly.
Normal is reliving that day continuously through your eyes and mind, holding your head to make it go away.
Normal is having the t.v. on the minute I walk into the house, because the silencing is deafening.
Normal is staring at every baby who looks like he is my baby's age. And then thinking of the age he would be now and not being able to imagine it. Then wondering why it is even important to imagine it, because it will never happen.
Normal is every happy event in my life always being backed up with sadness lurking close behind, because of the hole in my heart.
Normal is telling the story of your child's death as if it were an everyday, commonplace activity and then seeing the horror in someones eyes at how awful it sounds and yet realizing it has become a part of my "normal".
Normal is each year coming up with the difficult task of how to honor your child's memory and his birthday and survive these days, and trying to find the balloon of flag that fits the occasion. Happy birthday? Not really.
Normal is my heart warming and yet sinking at the sight of something special my baby loved. Thinking how he would love it, but how he is not here to enjoy it.
Normal is having some people afraid to mention my baby.
Normal is making sure that others remember him.
Normal is after the funeral is over everyone else goes on with their lives, but we continue to grieve our loss forever.
Normal is weeks, months and years after the initial shock, the grieving gets worse, not better.
Normal is not listening to people compare anything to this loss, unless they too have lost a chile NOTHING, even if your child is in the remotest part of the Earth away from you - it doesn't compare. Losing a parent is horrible, but having to bury your own child is unnatural.
Normal is realizing I do cry everyday.
Normal is disliking jokes about death or funerals, bodies being referred to as cadavers, when you know they were once someones loved one.
Normal is being impatient with everything and everyone, but someone striken with grief over the loss of your child.
Normal is sitting at the computer crying, sharing how you feel with chat buddies who have also lost a child.Normal is feeling a common bond with friends on the computer in England, Australia, Canada, the Netherlands, and all over the USA, but yet never having met any of them face to face.
Normal is a new friendship with another grieving mother, talking and crying together over our children and our new lives.Normal is not listening to people make excuses for God, "God may have done this because......" I love God. I know my baby is up in Heaven, but hearing people trying to think up excuses as to why healthy babies were taken from this Earth is not appreciated and makes no sense to this grieving mother.
Normal is avoiding McDonalds and Burger King playgrounds because of small, happy children that break your heart when you see them.
Normal is asking God why he took you child's life instead of yours and asking if there even is a God.
Normal is knowing I will never get over this loss, in a day or a million years.And last of all, Normal is hiding all the things that have become "normal" for you to feel, so that everyone around you will think that you are "normal".This "normal" is torture.I find this poem describes how I feel perfectly. I hope that it shows people that they are not alone in how they are feeling.
Monday, December 14, 2009
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