Grief

I feel like like I'm in the ocean. The ripped tide that sucked me out to sea is gone. The water is calm...for now. I can feel the bottom of the sea floor. I can stand. I can see the shore, it;s not too far away. I see a wave coming and i ride it out. It's ok. Im walking to the shore. I'm almost there. Another wave comes only this time I don't see it, it knocks me down. I try to get back up but another one comes and keeps me down. The tide is pulling me back and Im too tired to fight. I know from expereince to try to keep my head above the water and tread water until it is calm again. It's all I can do.

2010

Wow can't believe that it's been a whole year and I haven't really written anything. So much has happened and changed. It's been a struggle. I go through so many emotions during the day. Im happy and then next minute im sad and feel so depressed. Therapy has been good. Over the summer we did an ivf cycle...our first since with lost Benjamin. It didn't take. When I found out the news it was like losing Ben all over again. For months I was hopeless. then i put all my energy and grief into working out and I think that I was just running from it...literally. Well it caught up with me and ive been back in my depression. Then November 21st rolled around..the day we lost Ben and it was a hard day. We didn't really do anything special. We just stayed home. After that day i felt that a weight had been lifted off my shoulders and that i could exhale...a little. Then last sunday was the candle lighting at the hospital and last year i sat there and sobbed. But this year I got up and spoke. I gave a nice speech and people actually came up to me and said that my speech was really good and everything that I said they have felt.
In this year my life has changed, in this year I have become someone else. I am still trying to figure out who this new person is. I still miss my son every second of my day and ache for him. I don't think that ache will ever go away. I have just learned to live with it.

Togetherness Poem

Togetherness
Death is nothing at all.
I have only slipped away to the next room.
Whatever we were to each other, that we still are.

Call me by my old familiar name, speak to me in the easy way you used to.

Put no difference in your tone, wear no forced air of solemnity or sorrow.

Laugh as we always laughed at the little jokes we enjoyed together.

Play, smile, think of me.

Pray for me.

Let my name be the household name it always was.

Let it be spoken without the shadow of a ghost in it.

Life means all that it ever meant.

It is the same as it ever was.

What is death but a negligible accident.

Why should I be out of your mind because I am out of your sight?

All is well, nothing is lost.

One brief moment and all will be as it was before.

A letter to my son.

Dear Ben,

I miss you everyday of my life. Make that every second of my life. You were with me for every second of 19 weeks. I feel empty without you. I feel lost without you. I know you are with me but I want you here physically. I want to hold you again. I want to feel you move. I just don't know how to move on without you. Mommy is trying. Mommy misses you so much. Daddy misses you too. We got a dog to try to help up but that didn't work out well. I know you were with me the other day. I asked your for strength going to see everyone i work with and you gave it to me. I love you so much. I wish you were here with me still. I just miss you so much.

Love you forever
Mommy

Update

Sorry I haven't posted in a while. It's been a rough few weeks.
For one thing I have started therapy with a therapist who specializes in infertility and loss of a baby or child. I went to her last thursday and really liked it. I have very complicated grief and we are going to work through it.
Today we went down to NYC Columbia hospital to meet with a specialist for when we have our next baby. He thinks that I suffered from a true incompetent cervix and that next time I have a cerclage placed at 14 weeks. He was very nice and has 40 years experience. The only sad part is that he doesn't deliver babies anymore he consults. So he recommened me to a ic specialist there. I just wish that I had gone to them when i was pregnant with Ben. Maybe he would still be with me. I miss him so much.
I would have been in my 3rd trimester by now. His room would have been done. The color would have been Mickey Mouse Blue. I was going for the disney paint. He would have had a teddy bear sports theme in his room. I would have started buying him clothes and diapers. I would have been registered by now. All of these "would haves" and now im left with nothing. What did I end up buying him -an urn for his ashes, a few christmas ornaments, a necklace with his name on it. It just doesn't seem enough. I miss him so much.

Happy New Year???

I didn't think today would be so hard. But I think that it's hard for me because I had always said that after the holidays were over my pregnancy would go quick and then I would be at my due date before I knew it. Now here I am looking forward to a due date with no baby. I have nothing to look forward too except the fear of trying again. I'm so scarred that it will happen I don't know how people have the courage to do it over and over. We conceived Ben through ivf and it was our first cycle we ever did. He was our miracle and for him to be taken away so soon is just so unfair.
We have decided to wait until July to try again. We conceived Ben in July so im alittle nervous about doing it again in July. If we do get pregnant again the due date would be april and that was when Ben was suppsoed to be born so i don't want this new baby to be a replacement baby. But July is the best time for me since Im a kindergarten teacher and im not working.
Please tell me how all of you that are reading it found the courage and strength to try again after a terrible tragedy.

IM SO MAD!

IM SO MAD!! I picked up my medical records today from my obgyn's office. There were 3 letters from the radiologist office tellling my doctor that i might have a bicornate uterus and a low lying placenta and I never heard about it until I was admitted to the hospital. 3 LETTERS!!! And guess what the most common problem with a bicornate uterus is incomptent cervix. Not only that but on the 1st letter they said my cervix was 4 cm in length. The 2nd letter it was 3 cm. So my cervix was shortening with a possible bicornate uterus and no one did anything!!!

What do you all think need feedback on this one. Need opinions!!